Conflict in Marriage: A Pathway to Growth
October, 2025 | DR. CHERLENE ROBSON
Conflict in Marriage: A Pathway to Growth
When we hear the word conflict, most of us tense up. It feels stressful, painful, and sometimes like it’s tearing us apart. But here’s the surprising truth: conflict isn’t only a problem to solve—it can be a pathway God uses to bring deeper connection, healing, and growth in our marriages.
Where Conflict Begins – Our Family Blueprint
Every one of us brings a “conflict blueprint” into marriage. The way we saw disagreements handled in our family shapes how we respond today.
For some, that looked like:
Yelling or angry outbursts
Avoidance and silent treatment
Sarcasm or criticism
Walls of unforgiveness and resentment
Patterns of control
Often, we don’t even realize we’re carrying these behaviors into our marriage. But the good news? We don’t have to repeat the cycle. Through forgiveness, open communication, and God’s healing, new patterns are possible.
The Spiritual Side of Conflict
Conflict isn’t just emotional—it’s spiritual. In those tense moments, we often face our deepest fears: rejection, loss of control, or not being heard.
King David modeled what to do with those feelings—he brought his pain, betrayal, and conflict to God in the Psalms. As biblical scholar Walter Brueggemann notes, the Psalms show a rhythm: orientation, disorientation, and new orientation. In the same way, God can use conflict not to harm us, but to transform us—shaping stronger marriages and deeper faith.
Emotional and Spiritual Maturity Go Hand in Hand
Many couples don’t fall apart because of a lack of love, but because conflict is mishandled. You can serve God faithfully and still struggle in your relationships if you haven’t grown emotionally.
As Peter Scazzero writes in his Emotionally Healthy series, spiritual maturity is impossible without emotional maturity. Learning to recognize and handle conflict in healthy ways is essential for both marriage and ministry.
How Jesus Modeled Conflict
Jesus didn’t avoid conflict—He addressed it with truth and grace. He called us to be peacemakers, not peacekeepers. Real peace doesn’t come from sweeping problems under the rug; it requires courage, honesty, and love.
Avoiding conflict might feel safe short-term, but it blocks growth and intimacy. Facing it with humility and gentleness leads to healing.
Practical Tools for Healthy Conflict
Conflict can become constructive when handled well. Here are some biblical, practical steps you can apply right away:
Begin with Grace – Ask permission and speak gently.
“Is now a good time to talk?”Invite God In – A short prayer softens hearts.
“Lord, help us listen with love.”Choose the Right Time – Don’t start heavy talks when exhausted.
Use “I” Statements – Speak from your feelings, not accusations.
“I feel hurt when…”Practice Active Listening – Repeat back what you heard to confirm understanding.
Pause Before Reacting – Take time to pray before responding in anger.
Look for a Win-Win – Focus on unity, not winning an argument.
Affirm and Forgive Quickly – End with appreciation, kindness, and grace.
As Scripture reminds us:
“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” (Ephesians 4:26)
“A gentle answer turns away wrath.” (Proverbs 15:1)
“Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)
Final Encouragement
Conflict doesn’t have to destroy your marriage—it can strengthen it. When we face conflict with humility, honesty, and God’s guidance, it becomes a tool for growth, not division.
This week, ask yourself:
What unhealthy conflict pattern do I want to break?
How can I invite God into my next disagreement?
Remember: conflict is normal, and it’s necessary. Don’t avoid it—face it with courage and vulnerability. God is with you, shaping something new even in the mess.
Conflict, when handled with grace, can be one of the greatest tools for building intimacy, trust, and faith in your marriage.
Shalom, Peace in Jesus Christ,
Dr. Cherlene Robson
