Rebecca Story : Conflict In Marriage Is a Pathway to Growth
‘Your mind is a garden,
and your thoughts are the seeds.
You can grow flowers,
Or you can grow weeds’.
When my husband shared that he was no longer sure that he loved me, my world was shaken. After 28 years of marriage, I was devastated and completely unprepared for that moment. I had believed deeply in the covenant we made before God and never imagined we would face such a crossroad.
In that season, I knew without a doubt that my only hope was Christ—my strong foundation. As painful as it was, I realized this journey required me to focus on my own heart and growth and I therefore chose, in this testimony, to share and take responsibility for my journey.
When I met Dr. Robson, a few months after my husband’s declaration, I had already lost 12kg and felt quite anxious, but I decided to go all in. I chose to be vulnerable, to open my heart fully, to choose faith over fear, and to pursue God’s way above all else. Through both individual and couples counselling, she created a safe space for truth, reflection, and growth.
One pivotal moment came when I attended a seminar led by Dr. Robson, where she referenced Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs—a book I had already begun reading. It helped me understand that my respect could motivate my husband’s love, and his love could motivate my respect. Our marriage was far from that ideal, but with the help of the Holy Spirit, Dr. Robson and my faithful prayer partner & friend, I committed to giving it my all.
I came to see that my intention was never to be disrespectful. When I confronted issues, my desire was connection—but I didn’t realize it was often perceived as control. I was crying out for love and connection, but in the wrong way. Many of my husband’s actions were reactions to my words or behaviour. Through counselling, I learned a powerful truth: when I try to get my needs met through control, I lose my freedom. But when I focus on what I can control, which is myself, I gain peace and empowerment.
Dr. Robson guided me through exercises that helped uncover misbeliefs and the hidden hurts beneath my need to control. With her support, the Word of God and the conviction of the Holy Spirit, I was able to bring those wounds into the light and begin to let them go. I learned that I cannot control others, and that releasing what is beyond my control brings freedom from exhaustion and anxiety.
One of the most impactful lessons I learned was that my response is my responsibility. In moments of pressure, I always have a choice—to react in a godly way or a sinful one. Blaming my spouse only made me a victim and robbed me of growth. Self-control, I discovered, is at the core of true empowerment.
I also learned that my sufficiency is in Christ alone. My acceptance, security, and significance come from Him, not from my husband or anyone else. When my vertical relationship is aligned with Christ, my horizontal relationships naturally begin to align. I have nothing to prove. I can rest and allow the Holy Spirit to work in and through me.
Through counselling, I gained practical tools for healthy relationships: learning to communicate honestly and vulnerably, practicing active listening to connect rather than correct, and understanding that trying to convince someone to meet my need without clearly expressing it is an exercise in futility. Truth—about myself and others—is what truly sets us free.
Dr. Robson also introduced us to concepts such as the five love languages, which helped raise awareness of how we can serve one another better through affirmations, quality time, physical touch, gratitude, and intentional connection. We learned the importance of intimacy through honest conversation, understanding each other’s needs, refreshing date nights, and even embracing fun challenges that brought joy back into our relationship.
As I stopped controlling, practiced gratitude, focused on self-care, and shifted from complaints to expressing desires in a life-giving way, the atmosphere in our home became peaceful. What amazed me most was that these changes didn’t just impact my marriage—they transformed my relationships with my children and those around me. I learned to replace expectations with appreciation, to focus on strengths and God-given gifts, and to intentionally choose to see the good. What we focus on truly does expand.
Handling conflict with grace has been another profound lesson—choosing to be a peacemaker, sometimes choosing to “lose,” and confronting with love, truth, and patience for the purpose of healing and restoration. I learned that forgiveness is not about excusing others; it is about my own peace, healing, and heart. It requires humility and grace, and it brings freedom.
I am deeply grateful for Dr. Robson’s wisdom, compassion, and Christ-centred guidance. This journey has not been easy, but it has been transformative. I now walk forward with greater peace, clarity, and hope—anchored in Christ and equipped with tools that will continue to bless my marriage, my family, and my life.
We are still practicing to make the one feel loved (me), the other respected (him) and together, cherished (both) as we are moving forward to honor God and each other.
