Michelle’s Story: Beauty from Ashes
Before I went to therapy I had been wandering for over two years, looking for the right help to get myself out of the situation/relationship I was in.
I was 24 years old when I met my ex. I just finished studying and started a new job. I thought that I was the luckiest girl in the world to meet a guy who was so kindhearted and appeared to really love me for who I was. But a few months in the relationship it appeared that this guy had very different intentions. It first started with comments about my appearance. He found that my belly was too thick on a picture. This was the first comment that was made by him, and soon it followed with more comments about my appearance. In his eyes I had to work out for my belly was too thick (while I was always considered very skinny), my eyebrows were uneven, my body should be hairless always, I should walk like a lady on 1 line, he said that I walked like a little girl so I had to walk in front of him so he could take a better look. And then he would look me in the eyes and tell me that he finally knew what was wrong with me “Your eyes are not even”. Something I never heard in my life before. Besides the remarks about my appearance, I also endured him having an uncontrollable lust for other women and lying. Besides this, I caught him talking to different women on multiple occasions and on the streets, he would always manage to talk to or laugh with other unknown women in a flirty way and lastly it appeared that he had went on a date with another woman and even brought her to his house. You can imagine that I was devastated when I discovered all of this. Besides these negative things, me and him also had positive moments. It was like a rollercoaster of very highs and very lows. A rollercoaster I could not get out of. At some point, he decided that it was time to move on to another country again to meet other women. So he went, leaving me paralysed and confused behind. He then blocked me for my own benefit, he said.
After 2 months he was back texting me, feeding me dreams and I held on for life to the breadcrumbs that I received. I spent almost 10 months inside my house crying and feeling really bad and trying really hard to get back up again. It was a very lonely fight. I just waited on him to return and tell me that I was worth it to him. But every time there was an excuse why he wouldn’t be there for me, and the cause/ the reason for his absence was I. I was not enough, never good enough. I always had to change something about myself and then he would be able to be there for me. At one point I decided that I must be crazy, and so I went to a therapist. I didn’t tell her that I sat before her because he sent me there. I did the sessions with the therapist waiting on her to label me as crazy. But that day didn’t come and so it was after the third session that I arrived at home and broke down in tears because it then hit me that I was manipulated into believing this lie about myself so bad that I was even sitting in front of a therapist to wait on her to tell me that I have a disorder, so I could tell him. But even with this insight it was still very difficult to let go. It is difficult to explain to people whom have never been in this kind of situation. Because they literally ask “ why did you stay?”. I like to give them this example: Imagine that you are held in a dark room and that you are searching for the light. You feel stuck in this dark room and scared of everything. You cannot trust your surroundings and not even yourself in this room, until one day you find the strength to press the switch and the room becomes light….it is at that moment that you realise that it was so easy to get out of the dark, but that your distorted reality made it impossible for you to even do something so easy as switching on the light in the room.
Either way, during the time I was with my ex, God showed me for two years (even before I started dating him) that I shouldn’t be with him. But I did my way because I loved him and there I was alone, very insecure, confused and broken.
In the ninth month after he had left, my father died unexpectedly and that changed everything. I tried falling back on my ex to support me, but he couldn’t even fly 3 hours to support me. While I once traveled 30 hours in total to spend time with him. Matter of fact he wouldn’t even call me, but instead I called him to talk to him about what had happened. So, I went to the funeral of my father and when I was walking behind his coffin, I just started replaying everything that happened between me and my dad. At that point I realised that at the end nothing really matters. This gave me the insight and strength that I could also end the cycle of abuse with my ex, for the cycle I was in with him was almost the same as I was in with my dad. For I loved men who always would hurt me and leave me. Making me feel inferior, unworthy, and not loveable. After these events and insights, I started praying more and asking God when I would finally meet someone who could help me to get through these things for I was finally ready to really work on the childhood traumas. For the entire year I had been looking for help at different places, but I didn’t feel that it was for me. And so I stopped everything and gave up searching for help. That time I was really sad still and stuck in the cycle of abuse and pleading to God to please help me find a good therapist to help me break the patterns.
A few weeks later I suddenly heard the testimony of a friend and so I ended up in Cherlene’s chair.
In the beginning this was very hard because although my ex was not present anymore, his words were still present in my mind and making me feel awful. Often times people don’t understand that mental abuse is quite as serious as physical abuse. For mental abuse leaves a wounded soul that has negative words from the abuser on repeat in the mind. No one sees it on the outside….in the beginning. But because I was in this cycle for so long, at one point I was not able to put on a fake smile anymore. I was just empty. Feeling so much yet at the same time so numb. I used to be a happy person, but after the abuse there was nothing left of happiness. I was and felt so confused and sad. The spark in my eyes was gone.
The first session with Cherlene felt liberating because she was able to reach the little fire that was still burning in me. But the following weeks therapy became more difficult. Mainly because I was battling inside with all the negative beliefs that were planted in me by my ex, by myself and by other people. I had to go through all the events and patterns and that was painful, but luckily Cherlene gave me tools to navigate through it.
Besides going to therapy I started eating everything that my ex did not like me to eat. And I ate so much while I could hear him tell me to not eat so much for it is bad. I kept eating everything that I wanted to eat and a lot of it. Seriously I must have eaten a minimum of 5 ice cream buckets in one week and a lot more. Within 4 months I was the same weight as I was when I had just met him and I was really proud of that. My hair started growing again and the weird tinnitus went away.
With Cherlene’s help I have been able to erase all his words and put new words of life in myself. Cherlene helped me to see my identity in Christ, to hold on to it and to use it to discern and protect myself. Due to the assignments, I gained more and more insight in myself, in who God called me to be and in the strength I possess. With the help of therapy I have been able to get clear and honest with myself about why I kept letting people hurt me and being the victim. More and more weeks passed, and I could slowly see such a big difference within myself. Until one day I started reflecting with Cherlene and I realised that I felt peaceful and better after 2 years of turmoil. Also, people around me started noticing it and my inner work started to impact my surroundings. Due to my changing I have let go of a lot of friends that I used to have. This was painful in the beginning but soon I felt a sense of peace in the quietness. I have learned that I don’t want to invest in relationships in which the other person does not respect me. I didn’t want to be a victim of people nor myself anymore. Above all, I have been able to let go of my ex. And not only did I let go, but I even also contacted him after a while to tell him that I forgave him for the bad that he has done to me in a time I wasn’t standing firm in my identity in Christ and wasn’t able to discern. And I apologised for the way I kept being attached to him for that was not healthy. The more I started to invest in my relationship with God, the more I could look at myself with eyes of compassion and see that God forgave me and loves me. The more I realised also that this person was struggling with his own demons and does not know what it means to have empathy and respect for others. And so I decided that I wouldn’t let a distorted soul ruin me or even change me to become a bitter woman. That this person is not the author of my life and that I am precious and worthy. I am enough and more than that. I took back my light.
Of course, I had some fallbacks on the way but the fallbacks lasted for a shorter period and I was able to ask for forgiveness and keep continuing my process. The moment I was really done with my ex was, surprisingly enough, when he called me “beautiful”. I always thought that the last strike would have been a moment of fight, but surely the last strike was the moment he called me “beautiful”. When he called me that I didn’t feel happy, I felt disgusted and just checked out completely mentally. This time I didn’t even had to block him or take other measures, I just continued walking my life with God and focus on the light and love that I want to cultivate.
At first I was really sad that I let my ex harm and destroy the young woman that I was. I was sad that I couldn’t be her anymore. That a pure girl by heart was wounded. But I have come to see that as a gift. For on the ruins, I have built a stronger woman of God. I am very grateful for being able to outgrow such bad relationships with my ex, myself and others and to get to a point of peace and calmness within myself and with others. I am much better capable to enjoy and be grateful of the few friendships I have, for I know that those are true brothers and sisters that won’t let me down but will be there for me. If you had told me a year ago that I would be here today and that I would possess this new stronger mindset and faith in Christ, then I would have never believed it. For I was in distress last year, in darkness, looking for light but being paralysed to act in accordance with Gods will for me.
But because of the work I did God has not only changed my inner world, but God has also been able to change my outer world and put me in places that God had prepared for me.
It still amazes me how fast God is able to work in your life when you decide to commit to His ways. I am thankful for every moment and every person that I have met in my life for it all led me to be the person that I am today.
I pray that you, reader, will open your heart to be guided by God with patience. God is working in your life and you are so much stronger. For God has planted the strength in you to overcome evil with good. God has planted his love and light in you. May we present that love, light, patience and compassion to ourselves and to others.
