Rachel’s Story: Sexually abused by a pastor
For many years, I sought healing on this topic, but few people knew how to deal with sexual assault from a church pastor. It made the situation much worse to have someone who was supposed to protect me in a position of authority. I went to different counselors and healing seminars, but sometimes it helped and sometimes it made it worse. Some Christian counselors said I 'must' forgive or 'should' stop crying and move on, which added an extra layer of self-blame. Little did I know, I pushed through to forgive and move on, but I just couldn't. I was stuck.
Finally, I sought counseling from Dr. Cherlene, where we worked hard to dig into what really happened and how it affected me. I grieved everything I lost because I could not get proper help at an earlier stage, such as my studies, career, friends, ministry, and identity. After addressing the past, my eyes were opened, and I finally figured out why I was stuck. The sexual assault was tough, but the worst thing was how I was treated by the other church pastors after I told them what happened. No pastor wanted to help me. Some didn't know who to believe— their colleague pastor or a church member. Some knew the truth but kept their mouth shut for their own reasons. The abandonment of the pastors broke my trust and lowered my confidence and self-esteem.
What I needed was understanding and empathy, just people accepting my story and believing that without questioning it. Sadly, I couldn't find help from the church or from the Christian community, I went to a non-Christian GP and school counselor. I felt heard, understood, and loved, making it much easier for me to move further into deeper forgiveness and restore my identity and self-esteem. Crying as much as I needed was necessary in the process of healing
When I found out about the church split, it surfaced that there were more victims related to the same pastor, but there was no official announcement to restore my case to justice. I approached two pastors who initially told me they believed my story, but when they discovered they were wrong, they failed to reach out to me. They didn't comprehend the trauma experienced by victims of sexual assault when not believed, nor did they grasp the impact of injustice caused by pastors who hold spiritual authority.
Something still felt unrestored until one day I finally stepped up to the police and made my case. Many years had gone by, and the perpetrator had already passed away. The police could not do anything for me anymore, but I asked them to put it in their computer system for me so that what was hidden is no longer concealed and is brought into the light. I felt much lighter that day. I firmly believe that having a righteous police force is an idea from God to restore order and justice to society. On that day, I felt relieved and validated as my right to speak was acknowledged and granted.
The underline pain was guilt. Even though my mind knew it was not my fault, my heart still felt guilty in some way. I remember trying various methods to alleviate the guilt. I repeatedly told myself I was not to be blamed, and therapists affirmed the same. While the intensity of the tears caused by guilt gradually lessened with each attempt, I even repeated a specific prayer multiple times over several months. Despite these efforts, tears continued to flow due to the lingering guilt. Although the tears lessened with each attempt, the guilt remained unresolved.
However, there came a final moment when I felt personally touched by God's presence. I truly sensed that God was speaking to me, assuring me that He would take away the guilt. This assurance was confirmed through a vision. From that moment on, the guilt disappeared completely. It is important to note that shame also played a role in the healing process, but guilt was the most significant aspect that needed to be addressed during the counseling sessions.
I had believed for years that the pastors didn't believe me, but it turned out they did, and they implemented a new rule in their church to prevent similar incidents from happening again. Knowing that they believed my story brought some healing to my heart. To my surprise, I ran into the pastors who were involved in the incident but were not supportive at that time. They apologized, shared their side of the story, and acknowledged their mistake of not standing up for me. This was another step toward my healing. I sought prayer for my speaking ability and received prayers from other ministry teams. Later, I realized that I had made a promise in the past not to speak about the situation with those pastors, which I asked God for forgiveness and renounced. After that, I felt free to speak again.
Gradually, my relationship with God was restored, and I began to trust pastors from a new church. My fear of men lessened with time, and I regained faith in my ability to handle any challenge. My identity and self-esteem were restored, and I learned to speak my mind again. I also started to feel comfortable reaching out to church pastors when I faced problems, and this helped further restore my confidence. From counseling with Dr. Cherlene, I gained insights into how to confront difficult situations, deal with my negative mindset due to trauma, set healthy boundaries, and find my own voice again. I am learning not to suppress my emotions, and I also learned to apply the word of God that speaks truth rather than blindly following the pastors and leaders of the church. I am still learning to discern and tune in with the Holy Spirit, seeking the best possible solutions for situations, and focusing on Jesus and the brighter side.
Most of the hard work and healing has already been done, with only a few small adjustments left. I am grateful to God and to Dr. Cherlene for the counseling sessions that have helped me tremendously. I highly recommend seeking counseling if you have gone through any kind of trauma. It has been instrumental, through Dr. Cherlene, in helping me navigate the most challenging experience of my life, and it has taken years to reach a place of healing and deliverance. I am deeply grateful for the work that God has done in my life. All glory to Jesus Christ, my Savior, healer, and comforter.
