Finding Shalom : Peace
A few weeks ago I realized that I have reached the place of green pastures, meaning peace.
I noticed that my thinking has changed and that I speak different words over myself and my life.
For the entire year of 2022 I have spent time healing myself by going to therapy and getting to know myself and understand the way that God sees me. A lot of unlearning had to be done by my side and often times it was painful to constantly be confronted with myself, the surroundings I had created for myself and the behaviours that kept me stuck in a place of sadness and pain and with people who weren’t bringing good for me. At the same time, I can see now that it was this confrontation with myself that helped me to look at myself, take responsibility for my life, stand up and be firm and take action for my life, for I was depending on myself to stand up and act according to God His calling for my life.
It is now, a year later, that I have started to be able to see why it all happened and how all the puzzle pieces came together to form an even greater picture than the one that got “destroyed”. For when I felt that everything was taken away from me, and when all the people kept leaving my life either by death or by deceit or by choice, I got anxious and I clinged to everything and everyone out of fear of having my life I have built for fall apart. In fear of staying alone and being lonely. Because that would mean that indeed I wasn’t a great person, that I wasn’t worth it. The experience with my ex and my father would be the proof of this notion. This is also why I kept replaying these experiences in my life, because they would keep confirming the notion that I wasn’t worth it. Seeing this pattern and the misbelief led me to search for a way to break this destabilizing misbelief and behaviours.
Cherlene helped me in a very pleasant way to have this confrontation with myself, my traumas and my life, and then she helped me to take action. Even when I had fallbacks, she showed me patience and kindness and taught me to show that to myself too and keep focusing on the goal.
Over the course of the past months I have come to realize that I am worthy. And not only do I know it, I also feel it, own it, live it and let it be known (be expressed) through my actions. The time when my life was falling apart has really been the biggest blessing because God could shine His light in all the broken pieces. God used myself to heal myself and that is what I am really thankful for because it made me realize that I was enough to be able to heal myself. Everything was already in me, and I wasn’t unhealthy and didn’t have to look outside of myself for peace. It wasn’t unattainable to find joy and peace, it was already within me. This showed me how much strength God has put in me to overcome. Looking back, I understand why everything broke apart, and how God was preparing a true, authentic life for me. From the moment I decided to “just” let go of the fighting on my own because I was too tired and left it to God, I started seeing changes happen day by day. Now I look back and see how every little event in my life led me to these days. These days I am much more grateful for the little things, I have way more authentic friendships and a way more authentic life. I do not feel lonely when I am by myself, I feel content when I am by myself and treat myself as a person that matters, as my best friend. I do not fear losing people anymore, I fear not being able to be my authentic self with good people. I really choose to be my authentic self everyday, meaning I do not want to attain the things of the world (like social media etc), but focus on what brings me joy, not be swayed, being strong and keep developing myself.
I still experience stuff, but I am much more able to focus on God and myself. I got on the other side from where I am able to look at my life and say “ God, I see how your hand was over my life and I am very grateful to be your child.”
