Ruth Em’s Story: Liberated

Almost a year and a half ago a chain of events plummeted me into what felt to me as being in the valley of the shadow of death. And even there the Lord , as He promises in His word, is there with me. My fathers death and the sad news of our youngest son opened up all the wounds of my past that I thought were dealt with. I’ve been walking with the Lord now for 39 years of my life and He has set me free in the past of addictions, He’s delivered me from bondages and spirits and soul ties and so much more. He’s lead me to also set other captives free. And so I’ve been growing in my relationship with the Lord and with others.

He’s healed a lot of emotions and memories and yet, the early memories of my childhood where not tangible or feelable, if that is even a word. I came to the point of going to counseling because the issues we were facing in our family with our youngest son triggered all of my emotional pain. This resulted that I was not capable of having a normal conversation with him and I knew that if I don’t learn to listen and have my emotions in check, that it could cause our relationship to break. The news that he shared with us showed me how I’ve missed out on being able to provide a safe place for him to share his heart. The months that followed where months where my husband and I went into deep grief, prayer and repentance and intercession. Finally I decided to go to counseling as well. The other reason why I wanted counseling where my feelings of guilt and shame in my lovemaking with my husband. It is as if the Lord had laid enough of a foundation of love and trust in my life to deal with the next level of pain. He took the scab off and it hurt so much that I needed to look at all the different events that had taken place in my life. Thankfully I didn’t have to do this alone. Together with the Lord, my husband and with Cherlene, I was able to look at big traumatic events in my life, but also the little, seemingly insignificant events, nevertheless, also leaving in my mind and soul deep rooted misbelieves.

There where sexual traumas at an early age between 4 and 6, where I have no memory of, only the evidence of a testimony of another sibling. Many years ago I had worked through other (sexual) traumas of when I was 15. I had been set free from soul ties and unclean spirits. I have enjoyed years of freedom with my husband. But my emotions and my thinking hadn’t been entirely dealt with since the last 2 years I increasingly felt shame and guilt rearing their ugly feelings in my heart. How can this be I thought, Lord we dealt with this didn’t we??? I want to be free in my relationship with my wonderful husband. How can this feeling of disgust come up in my heart when we make love??? I don’t understand. Through the counseling the Lord revealed that I had never dealt with what had happened to me as a child, since I didn’t remember it and didn’t feel any kind of pain or anything, I thought it was ok. But the feeling of disgust and shame only increased, despite my attempts of focusing on Gods truth about the matter. This feeling of anger and disgust also influenced my attitude in the conversations or lack of conversations with our children regarding sexuality.

Than as Cherlene and I walked and prayed through all my memories the Lord started revealing a lot of things. Here are a few of the lies the Lord has revealed to me that where deeply embedded in my thinking and have been replaced with His truth , and my new way of living out these truths are:

Unhealthy Responsibility : Stemming from my Mom’s OCD and suicidal attempts throughout my childhood and teenage years right into adulthood. These lies have been brought into the light and I’ve shut the door to it and replaced it with the truth that I’m responsible to abide in Him so that He can abide in Me. He is in Control.

Fear of missing out: Stemming from being raised by my two older brothers and always reflecting on them and thinking that I should be able to do what they do. This has been replaced by the truth of the fact that I’m not missing out on anything, no matter the situation or if things go different than I thought or planned. God is in control and I can rest in that knowledge and rest in Him.

Unrealistic expectations of myself and striving for acceptance: This was replaced with the truth that I am accepted as I am. I accept myself as I am with all my strengths and weaknesses. The Lord made me and in Him I am accepted and perfect , so I do not have to prove myself for acceptance . Guilt and shame, unworthiness: This was a huge emotional pain in my life. The pain which I never let surface and I covered it up with all the right bible verses of course . Through the years it seemed like I was free, until the last few years. I sometimes think God is so kind and gracious towards me that He allows a time and a season for everything. When we started to dive into this lie that was tied to sexual abuse I remember going through another level of forgiveness after I felt the anger and pain come out. It was pretty intense, I actually felt so much anger and pain of the fact that my innocence had been robbed of me and that the whole course of my life had been altered even up till the point of now, that I screamed and took a wax candle that was beside our bed and threw it to the ground and shattered it to pieces. Then I heard the Lord ask me if I was willing to allow him to heal and mend my shattered emotions. I was still angry and felt so much rage concerning the reality of the things that had happened in my childhood that I actually said “d..mn it!” and cried and cried. But then when I calmed down I said, “Yes, Lord”. I then again went to speak out my forgiveness before the throne room of God and ask for forgiveness and healing.

Later during a quiet time I received a vision of the Lord where I saw myself walking on a road in Canada, where I used to live as a teenager. It was covered in snow that glistened like millions of diamonds in the sunshine. I felt the presence of the Lord so strong and He was walking with me and said that He has washed me in His blood and I am whiter than the snow. I just cried and felt so much of His tenderness and love for me. That He has clothed me with His dignity. So amazing. Amazing Grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me… the song keeps on expanding in feeling and depth of His Love, His amazing love and redemption. So now I can walk in his Dignity and Strength, fully forgiven and clean, there is no place for Shame and guilt or unworthiness. I’ve told it to go in Jesus name and I’ve received the Lords forgiveness and healing.

And the last lies that I dealt with where abandonment, loneliness and disconnection. These are lies that resulted from a vast array of events in my childhood. From the fact that my Dad was himself an orphan and I identified with him in an unhealthy way which caused not only good ties but also unhealthy soul ties. Also the fact that we moved so many times and I switched from schools so many times. Also the emotional loneliness of not being able to be a daughter to my parents but taking on the role of a counselor and support for them. This has also been a time allowing myself to mourn over the lost years and allowing the Lord to comfort me in my heart and allowing the truth of the scriptures to truly penetrate my soul and mind.

The scriptures that proclaim that I am His beloved child, that He will never leave me or forsake me. (Deut.31:6) Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” When I am faithless , He remains faithful. That my home is with Him and I am seated in heavenly places and therefore I feel connected to Him and the body of Christ, no matter where I am. I feel connected because I am connected with Christ, I am His.

I am so thankful that I was able to walk this chapter of my life together with Cherlene. The Lord worked through her to bring me on a path of emotional healing. To close the doors to the lies and the chapters of pain in my past. God also confirmed the words of my husband through the counseling of Cherlene when she said that she sees that I don’t need to be delivered from any spirits but that my thinking and emotions need to align with the truth and be healed. I have shut the doors to the lies that where in my life. Now the truth is in my soul and I am working to expand on those truths and together with the Lord establish more of His life in me As a result my talks with our son have not escalated and in fact he responds to my messages and we can actually agree to disagree when we do talk about sensitive matters. I sense and see that the relationship is on the way to a place where I am able to communicate my love, and also keep to my convictions, without communicating shame and anger. We have a long way to go but I feel the sting is out of my own wound and I don’t have the tendency to flinch when pressed. And it feels like springtime, I have great expectations of what the Lord will still do in my life and in the life of our family. The feeling of not being under an insurmountable amount of pressure to get it right is gone, which allows me to abide in the Lord and rest and wait and respond from that place of security. I don’t feel like I’m walking on eggshells anymore when we get together as a family. I still ask the Lord for wisdom in the conversations, to actively listen and to ask the right questions. But my motivation is now different. I truly trust the Lord, He is in control. I don’t have to fix it. I can love and be there and learn. I have no pretension now that I’ll get it right 100% but I know that I am aware and He is for us and not against us. When I still felt the hurt, the guilt and the shame of my own broken past, the unreal responsibility, it caused me strive and to work from my own strength and I failed miserably every time. At family get togethers I would always say the wrong things, ask the wrong questions or have the wrong tone of voice. I felt so much anxiety and stress weeks in advance that I would almost be thankful it was over which was so controversial since I looked forward to seeing every one of our children. Now however this is completely gone! Praise the Lord. I am so grateful! I am looking forward to continue to walk in my newly gained truth’s and insights. I am also enjoying intimacy with my Husband in a deeper level than ever before and I am also enjoying a deeper level of intimacy with the Lord. It seems like I am able to receive love at a deeper level. I look forward in being able to give this love at a deeper level to our children as well.

I am thankful that I was able to share my heart and feel safe with you Cherlene, thank you for your listening ear and for your wise assessments and guidance.

Kind regards,

Ruth Em.